You don't owe him nice
Thoughts and news for the week of February 5th
Spare your time and mental health. Reclaiming is a weekly feminist roundup with all the essential highlights and action items you need to stay informed without the *chaos* of mainstream media.
Dearest, strongest, bravest witches.
Last week, I had two consecutive run-ins with a stalker. I have been dealing with this person for a month or so, but the situation came to a head last week and I feel compelled to use it to remind everyone of one critical thing: if anyone is making you uncomfortable, or violating you in any way,
you do not owe him/her/them nice.
You don’t owe him politeness. You don’t owe him laughs. You don’t owe him courtesy. You don’t owe him an explanation. You don’t owe him anything.
Do not be afraid of being loud or forceful. Do not be afraid of appearing mean. Do not be afraid to ask someone for help in keeping you safe from someone who feels violent.
His bruised ego will heal, not that it matters.
Despite everything I’ve unlearned and re-learned throughout the process of deconstructing my internalized patriarchy, I still defaulted to not wanting to be mean during my run-ins with this person last week. I still “accepted” his letters and had trouble saying no. I still felt the confusing need to be nice to his face when he cornered me, even though I was terrified. And worst of all, I still kept my discomfort with this person to myself for far too long, convincing myself I was overthinking it or being dramatic or not worthy of causing a scene. I still believed, at times, that maybe I had done something to give him the wrong impression.
But I also know that this reaction was simply a patriarchal reflex. None of this was my fault. From our very first breath, women and girls are conditioned to be demure and pleasant, even at the expense of our own safety.
For far too long, my culture taught me that I just had to accept - or worse, be flattered by - men harassing me in public and online. When I was 22, I thought I had done something to cause my friend’s friend to sexually assault me at a club. When I was 18, my boss at Target told me that my then-stalker - a guy I rejected - was my problem when he waited for me outside of the store during each of my shifts. And the list goes on. For three decades, I rarely felt empowered to say no or protect myself, and I thought that the only safe solution available to me was to lay low until the threatening man got bored and moved on. And despite the progress I’ve made in the past six or seven years, all of those conditioned beliefs rushed back when I was caught off-guard by this man’s confrontation at my laundromat last month.
As of 2021, over 25 million Americans—19.1 million women and 6.4 million men—have been stalked at some point in their lifetime. All 50 states have laws against stalking, varying by specific intent, degree of harassment, and level of a victim’s distress/fear, yet there is no universal legal definition of it. According to the National Institute of Justice, stalking is “a course of conduct directed at a specific person that involves repeated (two or more occasions) visual or physical proximity, nonconsensual communication or verbal, written or implied threats, or a combination thereof, that would cause a reasonable person fear.”
I know I’m not a special case here. Since this latest experience, many people have shared their stories with me. I’ve chatted with women who had to leave their homes and move across the country to escape stalkers. I’ve listened to story after story of women feeling the sheer terror of dealing with men who refuse to accept “no.” Too many women have confided in me that they regularly deal with a repeat creep. We should never have to cross our fingers and wish a threatening person would please just go away.
For now, I am safe, although experiencing a bout of (reasonable) hypervigilance and a sliver of agoraphobia, but I will be totally fine. The other night, I ordered my first taser. I enlisted many people I love into tracking my location on their phones for the foreseeable future. I have the name and photo of my stalker and the support to do what I need should he attempt to contact me again. I have reviewed this list of how to deal with a stalker, and I encourage you to look it over too, whether you’re dealing with one at the moment or not. I am also planning a private group self-defense class in the LA area and have a huge interest list already - if you’re in, please reply to this email.
Dearest witches, please remember that you owe no one your politeness, your smallness, or your quietness. And if you feel that you must be nice to someone making you uncomfortable, I also hope you remember that this reaction is not your fault - you were conditioned this way. But please remember:
You do not owe him nice. Be mean. It could save your life.
Drop me a line if you need me. As always, I am endlessly in your corner.
Until next week, xoxo-
Sarah
Rec of the Week
One in a Millennial by Kate Kennedy
This book may as well be necessary reading for those of us who were socialized as girls in the ‘90s and ‘00s. With nostalgic references ranging from Limited Too to Myspace to peplum tops, every single page will take you down memory lane, for better or worse.
Witches of the Week
The “climate grannies,” a largely unrecognized contingent of the US climate movement. The average age of climate activists is 52 with 24 percent being 69 and older, and women make up 61 percent of climate activists today. According to the 19th, climate grannies:
come equipped with decades of activism experience and aim to pressure the government and corporations to curb fossil fuel emissions. As a result they, alongside women of every age group, are turning out in bigger numbers, both at protests and the polls. All of the climate grandmothers The 19th interviewed for this piece noted one unifying theme: concern for their grandchildren’s futures.
Feminist News Bulletin
The House has voted to expand the child tax credit just ahead of the 2024 tax season. The bill is off to the Senate, where it might actually pass, and would help half a million impoverished children; however, the credit won’t be available to families with no income (only to those who make an income that is below the poverty line), nor will it be made available to undocumented workers. Close, yet far.
The US Supreme Court announced it will hear arguments in a case challenging access to medication abortion on March 26.
Pennsylvania’s Supreme Court ruled that a Medicaid funding ban on abortion amounted to sex discrimination, a win for abortion providers in the state.
NY Governor Kathy Hochul signed legislation to modernize New York State law to protect survivors of rape and hold perpetrators accountable for sexual assault. The legislation updates the definition of rape in the penal code to ensure that additional forms of nonconsensual, forced sexual conduct can be prosecuted as rape.
Florida’s curriculum restrictions are straining how educators can acknowledge Black History Month. Speaking to Axios, one teacher said, “I try to tie in as much Black history to the material we're supposed to be using already, but a lot of teachers won't. No one wants to be fired.”
Final Thoughts
You are badass and brilliant!! So sorry for what you’ve gone through. Thank you for writing this and for sharing, and for empowering yourself and others through your work.