Absolutely not, Jonah Hill
Thoughts and news for the week of July 10
Good morning, my love! A little content note before you read on: if it’s hard for you to read about controlling or emotionally abusive partners, maybe skip this week. <3
From the minute I read about Jonah Hill’s texts to his ex-partner, surfer Sarah Brady, I knew I wanted to cover it for this edition of Reclaiming. In case you aren’t privy to the story, allow me to recap it here: last week, Sarah shared screenshots of texts while they were dating in which he tells her to take down certain social media posts, stop modeling, and cut off the friendships she had from her single partying days. The words he uses reek of both therapy and self-importance:
From there, he sends her examples of what he’d like to see her remove from her Instagram grid. She acquiesces and deletes them, but she begs him to let her keep her best surfing video up and offers to change the cover photo for it. He replies:
(She actually wasn’t wearing a thong in the image.)
Another example of a post he made her take down:
Sarah then replies to confirm that she deleted the posts in question, which Jonah responds is a “good start,” but (there’s always a but) he says that she still “doesn’t seem to get it…. But it’s not my place to teach you. I’ve made my boundaries clear. You refuse to let go of some of them. You’ve made that clear and I hope it makes you happy.” Sarah also shared that she and Jonah were seeing a couple’s therapist who instructed her to “paddle away” from men while surfing and to tell them “I’m going to talk to my boyfriend.”
The saddest part to me, however, is how Sarah responded (which is not her fault, and I’ll get to that in a moment):
For years now, Jonah has been very vocal about mental health, even producing and directing the documentary Stutz about his own therapist (the aforementioned Stutz.) I bring this up only because you can feel the therapy speak oozing from his texts: the talk of boundaries, the “if these things bring you happiness I support it but it’s not for me” - all of this signals a person who has spent TIME on a therapist’s couch. This makes me think about recent online chatter regarding rampant therapy speak these days, and its ill effects on us because of the way that it disconnects us from each other - and now, because of the way some people weaponize it.
These texts are a really apt example of someone who doesn’t understand what therapy is actually for. It is for learning communication and boundary-setting, yes - but Jonah assumes that his (unreasonable) requests (to control her image/body/sexuality) are the same thing as, let’s say, chores or in-laws or work-life balance or anything else a couple might need to draw boundaries around. Therapy does not give you the green light to call anything you want from the other person a “boundary.” And let’s be honest, these requests show that what he wants is for her to make sure other guys can’t steal her from him (or something like that.) It’s just all so blatantly indicative of his lack of self-confidence and his belief that he owns his partner - and more importantly, her body/sexuality.
His manipulative insistence that she’s free to leave aside, this weaponized use of therapy speak here immediately put Sarah on the defense, as you can tell from her replies to him. Therapy (and by default, therapy speak, and discussions of boundaries) has become so accepted and promoted in our society that we are becoming ultra-sensitive to making sure we aren’t causing harm by crossing them. I am not saying this is bad. However, women understand the pain of crossed boundaries better than anyone, and abusers know this. A woman like Sarah is going to hear the word boundary and immediately accommodate/comply because of the seriousness and strength behind it. If he intended this, it is clear psychic abuse and manipulation and he must be held accountable; if he didn’t, well, maybe he needs a new therapist - sorry, Stutz.
This is a scary new manipulation tactic that narcissists of any gender can use. Twitter is flush with bros running to his defense (I’ll spare your eyeballs the screenshots.) A very public playbook has now been written. This is not about communication and it’s not about boundaries - again, this is about control. Why are you so scared, Jonah? Why are you so offended or threatened by other men finding your partner attractive? I am not qualified to diagnose him, but his requests sound like every narcissist I’ve ever known: deeply, unequivocally insecure, and terrified their cover will soon be blown and they’ll be seen for the fraud they think they really are.
I don’t know what else to say about this other than it had me in my feelings as I pictured swaths of women in relationships with insecure or abusive men now having to deal with yet another form of manipulation. If you have (someone you know has) a partner who controls what you post online or what you wear in public or what you eat or anything you do, please reach out for help. My inbox is always open for you, or you can call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 or text START to 88788. Help is available in most languages.
That was heavy, so I included some good news below. Have a great week, everyone except Jonah Hill. Until next Monday, I love you to pieces -
Sarah
Recs of the week
Reading
Samantha Irby’s Quietly Hostile. I’m halfway through and this collection of essays is, so far, 10 out of 10. Each one feels like a warm, cozy, weighted blanket that you’re wrapped up in while watching a side-splitting comedy. She’s so real, she’s so honest, she’s so unapologetic, and she’s SO fucking funny. Run to your online bookseller of choice for this one.
Watching
And Just Like That. Here’s a hot take: sure, this show is embarrassingly forced at times, and it tries to right the wrongs of the original series by shoving gender and racial diversity in wherever it can (I’ve heard it called Sesame Street for adults) - but anyone who hates on it really hard as I’ve seen just honestly looks like they are trying to prove something. And no matter how much the haters hate it, they are still going to watch it every Thursday. There, I said it. I am loving this series, I love the new characters, and fuck, I love Harry. Plus Gloria Steinem was in the last episode and like, go ahead and try to hate something Madame Steinem does. Doesn’t compute. These characters are in a different life stage okay? This was never going to be SATC. Accept it and enjoy the ride.
Listening
PJ Harvey’s dreamy, witchy new record. Perfect writing under a big oak tree music. Just… swoon.
In the (GOOD) news
Dems are finally playing dirty and we love to see it. After years of watching the GOP distort established democratic processes to pass their grossly unpopular agenda I think it’s high time progressives start getting creative and playing dirty back. Enter the brilliant Wisconsin Governor Tony Evers, a former public school educator, who signed into law a new state budget last week that increases funding for public schools for the next 400 years. Yes, four centuries. Here’s how: Wisconsin governors have expansive partial veto power, and Evers removed the "20" and the hyphen to make 2024-25 into 2425. It is the highest single-year increase in revenue limits in state history. *dual finger gun dance*
It’s not often we get good news these days for pregnant people! On July 3rd, the Pregnant Workers Fairness Act (PWFA), which President Biden signed into law last year, went into effect. This new law will expand “long-overdue protections to ensure that workers experiencing pregnancy, childbirth, or related medical conditions have the right to reasonable accommodations in the workplace.”
The PWFA provides more comprehensive protections for pregnant employees than the Pregnancy Discrimination Act (PDA), which prevented employers from refusing to hire or firing an employee because they are pregnant but had plenty of shortcomings (ie, pregnant employees— especially those who are low-income— are held to the same standard as non-pregnant employees and might not get an adequate amount of breaks while at work or time off work to go to pregnancy-related appointments. The PWFA gives pregnant employees more flexibility in the workplace. Praise Lilith!
Final thoughts
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Package this however you’d like, abuse is abuse and that’s exactly what this controlling behavior is.
I was sad when I saw his sister Beanie's wedding photos and he wasn't in them. Now I'm happy he wasn't there.